« Drunkest Ever Story: UT | Main | Chicks with Sticks »
The Cockblock
By Anonymous | August 6, 2007
Every chain has a weakest link, every football team has a kicker, and every group of friends has a member whom everyone else thinks is the biggest loser in the world. In my group, the loser was named Wayne. Not only was Wayne completely incapable of getting chicks on his own, but he had a habit of instantly cockblocking any guy he was near who happened to be talking to a girl. He didn’t try to, but he was Wayne, and he was the Ultimate Cockblock.
Wayne always had a talent for blocking cock, but he gained the reputation on a particular Friday night where me and my four best buds all found ourselves without significant others or significant amounts of work to do. We started out like several dozen Fridays before and since, trading stories and playing cards while pregaming with whatever beer was in the host’s fridge. Wayne was with us because every now and again fat girls need to get laid too.
We proceeded to a bar where I instantly found myself talking to a cute blonde who looked like a curvaceous Kate Hudson. Unfortunately, I forgot her name immediately after she told me, but even worse, she was toting along a DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Fortunately, I had Wayne. Wayne predictably walked up to me about five minutes after I began talking to this girl and her DUFF and stood idly and silently about six inches away from me as I pretended not to know him until a break in the conversation warranted his presence.
I texted Wayne, telling him to get over here and get this girl’s friend away from me, and get both girls to introduce themselves. So Wayne comes over and says, “Hey girls, I forgot your names. What are they?” They introduced themselves as Jenny and Tina. Instead of turning to Tina, the DUFF, Wayne turns to the Jenny and says, “My friend here would like me to… um… take you this way.” Reluctantly, Jenny goes with him, about four feet behind me. I start making extremely awkward conversation when I hear Wayne attempt to hit on hot Jenny: “So I was just told to occupy you while Nate hits on your friend.” Tina looks over my shoulder at Jenny and nods, and they leave.
Stuck with Wayne I knew I would strike out the rest of the night anyway, so we proceeded to get really drunk on Jim Beam and hit up late night Taco Bell. On the way home, I made the cab stop at my friend Bill’s house because an unfamiliar car was in the driveway and his bedroom light was on. I then paid Wayne $20 to pour Mild sauce all over himself and run through the house yelling and screaming. I watched from the cab with delirium as a half naked girl ran to her car, carrying the rest of her clothes, and sped away. Wayne then ran into the cab and we took off. At least I wasn’t the only one who was cockblocked.
Topics: Articles |