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Drunk Sex: What’s the Point?
By Angela Lovell | August 5, 2007
We’ve all done it and most of us regret it - drunk sex. Oh sure, for two people who love and trust each other, putting on the ol’ Beer Goggles now and then can ignite a raging fire where there usually burns a lowly pilot light. Even between strangers trysting in a dark bar, drunk sex can lead to a ravenous tale of glorified deprecation and porn-star feats! But in general, is drinking yourself stupid the best way to fornicate? In an age where 1 out of 3 people have HPV, and Herpes runs rampant, is getting naked with someone while under the influence really such a great idea? Probably not. After all, alcohol dehydrates the body and fluids are necessary for good sex anyway. Alcohol is also a depressant, which only adds to the mind-reeling regret that often follows drunk sex. Drunk driving is illegal because alcohol impairs our good judgment and basic motor skills, rendering us more likely to do harm to ourselves and to others. So offering up our precious genitals while intoxicated can’t be such a wise decision, or even a decision at all since when drunk we are operating on mostly instinct anyway. While drunk we’re too moronic and slow-moving to even notice the potentially-diseased genitals of our partner before rubbing ourselves all over them. Having drunk sex is a lot like playing with fire – the possible fire of an itching and burning crotch later. But abstaining – especially when drunk and feeling particularly amorous - is more easily said than done. And I’d be a hypocrite if I tried to tell you otherwise.
Plenty of us have had a hard make-out session lead to the embarrassment of vomit afterwards as our temporary mate deals with the very unattractive cleanup. A friend of mine woke up in New Jersey next to a naked caveman-ish type she didn’t know and couldn’t find her pants. My brother received a late-night text message from a buddy accompanied by the camera-phone-pic of a passed out, buck-naked girl in his bed doing the Spread Eagle. And a truly dear friend of mine once exclaimed, “I’ll never have drunk sex again! Not since I woke up in that trailer park…!”
And as for my own experiences with drunk sex, let’s just say if there were a ladder of status one could climb for Drunken Sex recognition, I’d be a general and you’d be saluting me. But if none of us are proud of our sloppy sexcapades, then why do we do it? Why is it so alluring to rush out of a bar as soon as they turn on the Ugly Lights and find the nearest bed (or couch, or parked car, or backside of a dumpster) and hump like wildebeests? Alcohol dulls our senses so sex doesn’t even feel as good drunk as it would sober. And medical studies prove that alcohol, a nervous system depressant, can result in temporary erectile failure in males, and lead to severe vaginal dryness in females (the Number One cause of condom breakage.) But if reality television has taught us anything, it’s that people love to engage in drunk sex. However, do any of us seem to know why?
There’s a sense of doing something wrong when we give into drunk sex – a sense that returns us to our teenage days before we felt our limits. Not only does our confidence soar like a lopsided pigeon that’s flown into a window, there’s also excitement, danger, and risk involved in drunk sex. And more often than not, if you didn’t get so drunk that a nasty hangover prevails, you’ve probably enjoyed yourself in whatever haphazard tryst you ended up with at the end of the night (depending on how honest those Ugly Lights were.) After basting in enough courage gravy, we can feel like rockstars. And what do rockstars like better than rockin’ out? Porn stars! After you get wasted enough to sing that Bon Jovi hit at karaoke, your inner (drunk) rockstar is gonna look for its mate. And after drunk karaoke, anything goes! Finally, at that point in the evening we turn back evolution and practically sniff each other’s butts to determine who’s ready to throw down before throwing up. There’s really no profound meaning in it, but there certainly can be a good time. Otherwise there wouldn’t be so many of us waking up next to someone we hardly recognize, praying that this person (whose name now escapes us) has a bottle of Tylenol nearby.
Often drunk sex can lead us from holding a warm body all night to holding back someone’s hair as they vomit in a toilet. Oh sure, the invincible feeling we can create in ourselves by using alcohol certainly works as an aphrodisiac, but sometimes we’re not drinking ourselves sexier - we’re drinking ourselves stupider. And frankly, only morons want to have sex with other morons - but hopefully not morons with HPV or Herpes.
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